never know that xxxxx can kill people...

today my chemistry teacher us...
if you drink xxxxxx you will die...at that moment teacher said that i felt relive AT LEAST now i don`t have the motive to do it...at least there is still something supporting me...at least...i haven`t fall in to the abbyss..what is abyss?abyss is a place for those person who have sin...
i heard this from pandora hearts....mah...is just something to say...
lately a lot of gossip about me and shaun.and because of this gossip i see something VERY VERY VERY CLEAR...yes at least i see something..that before this i forcing myself to ignore it...i saw it...
i saw this for the person eyes and the way he or she talk to me,the way she run away from me.
these day my emosi is very unstable.i feel want to cry but the tear can`t come out..she ask me to belive in other people but i can`t...i am not you,i am not her...i am not anyone..i am myself...and you don`t know me..and you won`t know how it feel if i do the same thing to you...
i am forcing myself to not to facing this problem because nothing can change it!!because everyone is on his/her side!no matter who i tell..i will be the wrong...i call her then she will cover he/she...i tell to my friend they will just say ignore it...so what can i do?
i feel something stab on my heart who he/she look at me like that...I AM YOUR FRIEND...and is that something weird i doing my own choice?anything wrong?why he/she have to look at me like that?with those eyes...with those i am weird eyes...why i have to help him/her so much?and making myself so tire?
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btw i just make my dicission yes i not going to become a librarian anymore,it just like nothing for me to do there and no reason for me...
and now is my current result
bm-??
bi-75
math-46
add math-31
sejarah-72
moral-??
chemistry-74
biology-??
physic-50
fail....i fail this time...as what willy told me..is malu to fail in the very first test...and yes i fail...i am useless........and stupid...